I’m wondering how many of us find ourselves at the quarantine wall? I have followed the rules. I have lived in my house (and subsequently my own head) since mid-March. This is a danger zone. As a dear friend said to me today, “We were not created to live like this.”
With that worn out spirit, I went to Wal-Mart today. I feel like this is the opposite of stay at home. I wore my mask. I followed the taped markers. I judged all the people that did not have their facial coverings properly secured. I did it. I went on a mission. I needed something specific that did not require a cart or aisle strolling, but I could not do it online. So I went. It was somewhere near the women’s undergarment section when a profound awakening happened. Girdles are inspiring, I know.
Everything has changed.
Everything. Has. Changed.
My view of the world has changed. My desire to shop has changed. My ability to put life in a predictable box has changed. My willingness to live with regrets is gone. My fear of the unknown has been faced. My heart and soul and brain have been so force-fed with stillness that I have turned over rocks that I didn’t think still lived in my deepest recesses. All of this at a time when I have not had access to my routine, people, safe spaces or tools. There is only so much that my reading and podcast listening can fill. There are unattended areas of mess that I don’t know what to do with on a good day, much less 60 days without structure or the ability to escape the four walls of my house. Dear, Sweet Baby Jesus, I’m so tired. So today, I admit that the wall has been hit. It has been hit with exhaustion and fury. It has been hit with frustration and some shame and even more guilt.
And while all of these things have been hard, I need to let you in on the secret. I have never, ever, never-ever felt so alive. To be alive is to feel. To be alive is to know that you are being more true to the person you have been created to be than ever before in your life. To be alive is to know that with each breath, you are taking in the wealth of emotions that this life gives and at the same time, refusing to let the pain win. I am reminded today, that for some, the best life – the most full life – comes after an organ transplant or a chemo treatment. When the disease is removed and healing can begin. The chains-off life comes when the old ways of setting up shop are destroyed and in its place a bigger, more beautiful way of living is embraced.
I am over COVID. I am over the stay-at-home season. I am over not seeing my people. I am even over not hugging. But, I’m not over what this time has given me. There are things in my life that I could have kept tidied up and neatly boxed for many more decades. My routine and busyness has been a cushion of avoidance on many fronts. Instead, this two months has pointed a magnifying glass of better living like a lighthouse into my future. I know that it is not going to be simple or easy, but watch out world, Lacy is coming out of the house and I am ready to live.