Let’s switch tracks today, ok? I have enjoyed the deepest of spirit and good inner work as I write these days, but I find myself in a relationship reflectional space today. I saw this question on a website (did you know there were websites for good question asking?) and it has run like a hamster on a wheel in my mind for days. There are layers to this question, so we need to do some defining. “Be with” is not as clear as it seems. So for the sake of this discussion, I am not talking about marriage or even monogamy. The direction I am taking is pointed toward the ‘deserted island’ – you are only going interact with one person for the rest of your life. Let’s discuss.
I need my people. I need all of my people. I have had seasons in my life where I probably could have been content with one other person. Times when I could retreat to a deserted island and be alone with my sister, a friend, a new love or even my children. (Yes, young mommas, they get older and more independent and wildly fun to spend days alone with.) But honesty time: one-on-one seasons never bring out the best me. There is not one human that meets all of my needs. There are places that are unique to the special shaped spaces of my heart – including my need to rebel, fight, attack and be protected. I have yet to meet a single person that gets all of these sides of me.
Most of you know that I have been married for almost 22 years. My person has been my person for more than half of my life. If you know him, you know that dependable and steady are words of endearing love that show all that he brings to my life. These are precious traits that give me the freedom to be the dreaming, fierce woman that I was created to be. At the same time, the wide breadth of soul passion can be a gulf of unintended distance if left unacknowledged. It has been a hard journey recognizing these truths. It is even harder to figure out how to navigate the truth of this reality. The single best thing that I can do for the sake of my own soul is be honest. Really, really honest. Even when I am worried that my honestly will hurt in ways that I never intended to hurt those I love. My own truth is just that, truth. It is not something to be policed or controlled. Truth is something to be honored and respected.
I need to take a moment to speak to those who may find themselves in spaces and places that appear to be “different” or “unconventional” or even “dangerous.” Welcome to the hurtfully labeled club. I am the president and CEO. Even as a middle-finger-at-the-world kind of girl, words sting. There are few things that can wound like someone telling me that the way that I love the people that I love is wrong. Here is the thing. How I express and honor the people in my life should only be a discussion between my soul and the others impacted by my love.
This is one area of my life that quarantine has exposed in all of its ugly head space and aloneness. I don’t think I had an accurate grasp on just how vital the diversity of input from my many voices is on my soul. I have longed for the times when I just need to run to my corners of venting and screaming (and even crying…I know) and have a friend that knows just what I need. As much as I adore my person, as much as he brings so many things that I need into focus and clarity, I am better when I can hear from other voices. Ones that have known me longer. Ones that are wired like me. Ones that know how to aim a flaming dagger of truth right to the heart of the things that I want to avoid. These traits are not found in one space or person in my life. I need all of the brash, tender, wild, free, daring, steady, brave and challenging voices that I have invited into my life to speak honesty and hold space for me.
There is not one person, not one single person, that would be my island mate for life. Without the variety of voices and experiences and love and passion and grace and knowledge, I am not the person I am today. I will always look to the beauty of many voices. I will continue to pursue wholeness in every relationship. I will constantly seek those that are trustworthy to share my life. If I had to go to an island, I would need huts for my people. I would need a porch and a fire pit for my question asking ‘what if’ friends. I would need a beautiful sacred space for the moments of treasured quiet that I share with my husband. I would need a stash of my favorite rebellion tools for good fun. I would need my computer or a good journal for writing and my people that I share my written thoughts with. All of these things make me the very best version of me. Actually, the more I think about it, I’m buying an island and setting up the fun. Later, haters.