Here we go again. I swear. It’s not all country. Promise. Really.
If you focused your growth on learning to love your own skin, there is only one natural thing to do for someone that cannot hover in the middle. Of anything. I love the extremes. Here we go…let me be ALONE! And this song is the perfect picture of the want to hide. To run to the safe people and places that have told me again and again that all of me is welcome.
Two months ago, I was having a morning walk and the big feelings surfaced. The ‘not enough’- kind of feelings. And while I was doing something I really enjoyed, the moment that it hit me, I just wanted to run. With no context, I sent the link to this song. That was all it took. The song told the story of my feelings. And the text back was: Yes.
This is what I need more of in my life.
If you have been privileged enough to send a song and be understood, you get this. The assurance that whatever I am feeling in this song is ok. And in that moment, the recipient knew that I just wanted to be alone. Alone with those that I don’t have to explain the things to. Alone with my fretful and confusing insides. Alone with my own thoughts because I am not scared of them today. What a wild ride learning to love yourself can be. Just letting “humanness” hover and not be expelled is an new disciple.
I can remember a time when a mention of silent retreat or a yoga class or even a labyrinth could send my terrified insides into a spiral. Every single one. Today, a silent retreat sounds heavenly. 2 days with my own self? I’m totally in. Restorative yoga with a 20 min guided meditation? SIGN. ME. UP. And on the days when I really want to hide, I turn on songs like this and I allow my heart to runaway. To whatever safe land that it has discovered in the hard work of allowing people to know the real me. That gift is precious. So very, very precious. The wisdom of the quiet is my greatest joy tonight.
If you hear about my solo wandering, do not be alarmed. If you get a text that says, “Let’s go,” there is a good chance that you are being absconded on a self-exploration mission. Or a weekend at the lake…or on the beach…or, anywhere.