“You Have Me” – Gungor

Surprised?

I was. It was early Fall and I was over it. My downloaded music on my phone had pulled a nasty trick for the last time. It was that day that I began an aggressive attack on all music that made me think of things that were no longer. I was so proud. The very few “religious” songs that I left had a general spiritual width that felt safe. This was one of them. Along with one or two from John Mark McMillian and a couple from Jon Foreman, this was the trinity of the palatable.

In what I can only assume is a universal moment of humor, I was preparing to get to work and I hit shuffle. This was the first song. Of all the thousands of songs on all of my playlists, this came on the speaker. I was innocently sitting at my dining room table trying to work. Work never began. I started to change the song. I wasn’t in the mood to process. I let the chords hang. I heard the banjo. I felt the warmth of the vocals. Luckily, I left the song on long enough for the cello. Because if you have followed along this far, you know…the bass.

Here’s what happened. I just let him sing to me. The words that I have sung and played and prayed over and over just…well, they were different. Here is how I explained the experience in a text to a like minded fellow traveler.

“I’m just sitting here singing this over myself. You know we are enough, right? For ourselves? I don’t believe it most of the time. But I know it.

It was in that moment that a significant shift took place. For years I have sung “you have me…” over and over with the meditative draw to an external divinity. In that moment, in my house, on a random afternoon, I KNEW that the one that I needed to have me was me. That’s it. And I’ve had myself all along. I’ve had enough of the hard to be tender. I’ve had enough of the pain to be sensitive. I’ve had enough joy to know deep sorrow. And in the midst of it all, I could trust that I had all I needed.

So, I sat with that. With the very truth that I have fought in the 3am wrestling matches of my soul. And I sang those words to myself.

“You have me…you have me…you have my heart completely….”

I do today. And I still listen to this song. Not often. It’s not a go to. But it is a reminder that sometimes the depth of my knowing shifts into new spaces. And there will always be times when I think I have the purpose and meaning figured out, only to be surprised. With a new level of wonderful hope. In myself.

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