“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” – Scarlett Johansson and Bono

Upfront confession for those that will call out my past behavior: I am now a fan of U2. This was a product of the lockdown, where I wrestled with my musical nevers and came out on the side of the popular vote – after almost 3 decades of a staunch anti-U2 campaign. So just to be clear, this is complicated…(anyone catching on?)

There is something about this version, however, that I feel like tells a better story of the quiet of this song for me. I’m obsessed with the female vocals on the prayer at the beginning. That’s what it is. Fight me. And then the big chorus. CHURCH. But, we need Bono. You can’t do this one without the kick drum and his sound. It’s too…true to the original. This added feminine twist is found in this version from Sing 2. With all of my hang ups and conflicting feels around this band, I find the humor of all humors is that a cartoon is what helps me find the safe rhythm.

Laughter and quiet and silly and play have been unnecessary in the seriousness with which I have fought for the salvation of all things. Just today, I had a few hours alone and an I forced myself to watch a rom com. I do that about once a year to try and just not need intensity. I wish I could enjoy playtime more. I work on it. It’s important to me to find my own play. But, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

This year, I asked a weird favor of people that I trust with all the ugly mess. In our moments together, I asked them to help me see what I miss. I hate pictures of myself. I can’t just look at a picture and see a beautiful human. While I have worked on the internal monologue, I needed images to attach to reality. And this is why I love these humans. They remind me that it’s ok to laugh in the midst of the rediscovery process. Want to see what my people see?

This is real. And so is the smile.
Sometimes your friends remind you that serious is so hard and lighthearted laughter is the balance. On a porch. This was a good day.
I feel it inside me 6 months later.

I still struggle with the intended destination. When you are searching for what you are looking for, sometimes the road takes intersecting turns. If there is one thing that 2022 has taught me it’s that the best part of the wandering is the people that you get to journey with. All of them. They make this scavenger hunt we call life waaaaay more fun. We need all of them. The wisdom of the sages. The tender of the deepest care. The pain of the intense fires. The smiles that can only be found in the safest of the safe.

Bono. Let’s just call this for what it is. You kinda wore me down. We’ve been at this for a while. If 30 years of angst as I turned off U2 songs has taught me anything, let me declare one thing as a fact: don’t ever say never. Ever. Because sometimes a global pandemic will force you to sit for hours on your back porch and eventually…eventually…you realize that there is only one voice that tells the truth. Yours. And I still haven’t found all of it. So, I guess it’s you and me and Scarlett doing some porch swinging and making peace. It’s almost like you knew this was coming. And this might just be one of the biggest peace treaties I’ve ever signed. With or without you.

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